A red face

The drugs do work, or do they?

So, what is the difference coming off one antidepressant and moving to another one? Right now, it involves massive anxiety and constant nightmares.

My change of medication from Prozac (real name Fluoxetine) an SSRI to Mirtazapine an SNRI so I can get some sleep is not being a jolly, thrill ride. But nobody said it would be. In fact most people I’ve spoken with about it have said that it’s going to be hellish.

It currently is. See what I mean. However, the side-effects will pass and things will get better. And that scares me.

Contrary to popular perception depression doesn’t deny upsides, treats, happinesses. It just deals with them like this:

“Well, that was nice. That was fun. I enjoyed that. That means that the next thing to happen will be dreadful. It is inevitable. I deserve it.”

I don’t know if this is how everybody’s brains work, and that you lot just pretend it doesn’t dog you. Or better still you have a script that guides you through it like the real life Pros that you all are.

Actually, I like to think it leaves you alone. I’m sure you’re sometimes unhappy, maybe desolate or grieving during those times in life when those feelings happen.

Why? Because this constant mental vertigo; this continual tottering on a precipice, a churning of certain uncertainty, this background hum of your own failing verve-engine can make – no, does make – being alive just an everyday chore.

So, yes, I hope the majority of you lot out there don’t have to deal with this.

If, on the other hand, you do and you are: then get some help. It is not normal. You don’t have to feel like it.

Rowlandson The-English-Dance of Death detail
Well, bugger this.

Right now, however, for me… I’m on a rickety, string bridge between two dull, neither dreadful nor exciting places — both chemically flattened, and I’ve looked down.