I tend to read a lot of PR and marketing output for my job as an industry writer. I tend also to get rather uptight about the amount of psycho-dynamic language used to inspire me to jot a few words on the site. So, here’s my challenge to you…

Read the following without entering a blissful state of utter non-excitement. I’ll be adding to the list as soon as I can calm down. I am also excited to receive any additions that you might want to make in the comments.
Read on »

Kitty is not gormless. You believe in her.

My industry is the video games industry – but I am absolutely certain that what follows (an attempt to flog things masked in heavy-handed irony) occurs in all sorts of other industries. This particular piece of flogging comes from that bastion of marketing dedication, The Guinness World Records.

Let me begin with a quote from the press release that accompanies this incredible image of lovely being used to flog the Guinness World Records 2012 Gamer’s Edition:

“Suggested Photo Caption: Iowa’s Elizabeth Bolinger, AKA Kitty McScratch, where she earned the title for ‘Most Prolific Dancing Game High Scorer’ with top scores in over 85 songs spanning across the Dance Central and Just Dance franchises. She’s featured in the Guinness World Records 2012 Gamer’s Edition out now. (Photo Credit Ryan Shude/Guinness World Records)”.

That is correct, it’s a suggested photo caption to be used in the event that you’re really, really incredibly lazy as well as brain dead enough to run an actual story about the kind of book that does indeed introduce to the world a record for…

“Most Prolific Dancing Game High Scorer”

Yes, if you ever need to be able to win a discussion of things that are not only not needed ever, by anyone, ever and which in fact take goodness, energy, honesty and hope out of the world, you can just say:

“Iowa’s Elizabeth Bolinger, AKA Kitty McScratch, who is ‘long-time fan of the Guinness World Records books’ and who ‘was first introduced to video games in the early 90’s by her father, who was immersed in the world of casual PC gaming.’

Don’t thank me. Thank Kitty McScratch and the  Guinness World Records.

What? That? Pffft!

Spending day after day reading and writing about people who are apparently in their jobs in order to communicate has inevitably lead me to distraction. Here are some of the reasons I think this is occurring.

I am listing them in no particular order other than when they strike me.

• JULY 15th
  Vertical Mentoring Group: Seriously, this mean ‘Form’ or ‘Tutor’ group.
• Going forward: this translates to “in the future” or, more specifically, “at some totally intangible point”. It is a replacement for the word ‘progress’, which is too weighed down with value qualifications.
• I/we will effect an outcome: No you won’t mate, you will “Do” or rather you won’t. You will excrete more words.
• That’s just not in our DNA: as per one Dennis Durkin, COO and CFO of Microsoft’s Interactive Entertainment Business. What he means here by using a simultaneously scientific, natural and permanent sounding piece of language is: “It’s not what we want you to think our company does”. It’s a replacement for the now derided “Mission Statement.
• We architect our products: Again, Mr Durkin. No you don’t, you simply ‘make’.
• Value Proposition: easily translated to ‘our product that we are selling you, for money that you give to us.”
• Our People Resource: Again, Mr Durkin. He means “Staff” or “Human beings who work for us and have lives and families and don’t think of themselves as spreadsheet line items.”
• Challenge: That means ‘Problem’. Not all problems have solutions and can therefore be simplified into ‘challenges’.
• Ecosystem that we leverage: I must admit the sheer audacity of adopting a term like ‘ecosystem’ by any corporation that is divorced from ecosystems is bravura stuff. What is meant here is “our suppliers and clients”. But that phrase, once again, assumes a financial and legal transaction. Those things are unpleasant.
• Experience: This means “Product that we sell to you for money that you earned.

More coming as soon as I become angered by them.

Of course, as my esteemed editor has pointed out: Get the readers to submit their personal ‘Proper Corporate’ terms for translation.

Okay, send me an email at: royston@gashead.net with the subject line: ‘Please Translate this Utter Bollocks’ and I’ll see what I can do.