The Old Bastard's Guide

How to Speak Proper Corporate – A Free Resource

The Old Bastard's Guide
What? That? Pffft!

Spending day after day reading and writing about people who are apparently in their jobs in order to communicate has inevitably lead me to distraction. Here are some of the reasons I think this is occurring.

I am listing them in no particular order other than when they strike me.

  • JULY 15th
    Vertical Mentoring Group: Seriously, this mean ‘Form’ or ‘Tutor’ group.
  • Going forward: this translates to “in the future” or, more specifically, “at some totally intangible point”. It is a replacement for the word ‘progress’, which is too weighed down with value qualifications.
  • I/we will effect an outcome: No you won’t mate, you will “Do” or rather you won’t. You will excrete more words.
  • That’s just not in our DNA: as per one Dennis Durkin, COO and CFO of Microsoft’s Interactive Entertainment Business. What he means here by using a simultaneously scientific, natural and permanent sounding piece of language is: “It’s not what we want you to think our company does”. It’s a replacement for the now derided “Mission Statement.
  • We architect our products: Again, Mr Durkin. No you don’t, you simply ‘make’.
  • Value Proposition: easily translated to ‘our product that we are selling you, for money that you give to us.”
  • Our People Resource: Again, Mr Durkin. He means “Staff” or “Human beings who work for us and have lives and families and don’t think of themselves as spreadsheet line items.”
  • Challenge: That means ‘Problem’. Not all problems have solutions and can therefore be simplified into ‘challenges’.
  • Ecosystem that we leverage: I must admit the sheer audacity of adopting a term like ‘ecosystem’ by any corporation that is divorced from ecosystems is bravura stuff. What is meant here is “our suppliers and clients”. But that phrase, once again, assumes a financial and legal transaction. Those things are unpleasant.
  • Experience: This means “Product that we sell to you for money that you earned.

More coming as soon as I become angered by them.

Of course, as my esteemed editor has pointed out: Get the readers to submit their personal ‘Proper Corporate’ terms for translation.

Okay, send me an email at: [email protected] with the subject line: ‘Please Translate this Utter Bollocks’ and I’ll see what I can do.

Please leave a comment. Many thanks.

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